I'll hide it away just for you

Seeing you walking pass me, I breathe the air for your scent. Seeing you talking to your friends, I smile seeing that handsome face of yours. I sit there at the corner watching you move and smiles. If it is just this simple I will be satisfy, but it isn’t that simple. Being a friend of yours, hiding the admiration I had for you, and hiding these feelings every moment I am with you. You are so close to me, yet I can’t touch you or your heart. Feeling that I can grasp you within seconds but there is these invisible walls blocking my way. No matter how much I try, I can never seem to reach for your heart. I will always remain in the shadow of love, being your friend with all my might. And be there for you as a friend you can trust.

FML

What is the problem for just asking for more freedom? Every time I see people hanging out and have fun, and I over there need to destroy the fun and go home. Sometimes it is sad just doing that. I want to soar freely around like the eagle. Spreading its wide wings with no fear of what so ever, staying home is like so boring, there aren’t much thing can be done. Online, see movie and what else? I am on a semester break here HELLO!! I am supposed to be going around party and hanging out. For god sake! Where is my life?

Is it wrong just to ask for more freedom? Is it wrong that I just want to hang out more?? You said today you will be going out somewhere fun, and look I am stuck here sitting on my laptop writing this stupid blog! Very nice and later I am going for food shopping..wow~~ that sound fun. =.= fuck it! I never like staying at home with you all. Is always argument, grumbling about life. I wish now so much I am living outside and not this fucking damn boring house.

Letter

Here I want to sincerely apologies for the action I’ve made. I know there is much stuff that I can’t be forgiven for, but I know I will sure gain your forgiveness one day. Mother, you have been with me ever since I was young. You cared for me like no any mother would. I’m sorry I couldn't’t be the smart girl you wanna me to be. The girl that love science and become a doctor or someone that earns lots of money in the future. Sometimes I wonder why was every family you’ve known having the daughters or sons of your dream. Smart and intelligent in many ways and matter. Yet I sit here failing my exams and making you mad all the time. Daddy, I know that you’ve been upset many times in my result. When my cousin scored high marks and was told to you by grandma, you always come home with that look of sadness and shame. But the love you had for me, you've show me that bitter smile hoping to hide everything away. Well daddy, for your information I can sometimes see it. Years of working had put you in pain. You taught me from what is right and wrong, and you also teach me to not be mad at people and learn to forgive. Well, you teach me the right thing to do and now I am living in a world where there is no one that I could stay mad on. Not blaming you on this, but it seem the concept had make us both been used by people. And daddy, I am sorry I can’t be the pianist of your dream. I took piano as an excuse of not studying, but the moment I took my step into college everything change and soon I found my real calling to my life. You were upset that evening when you saw the letter of my failing my exam, I over heard you talking to mom about it. Saying that you will give up on me, I know that night you were talking harsh words and not wanting me to hear. But daddy, if you wanna do that next time, please check if my window is close first. After you said those words I gave up everything in life, I began to cut myself in order to feel pain and knowing I am still human, but daddy those words really hurts. Many things I wanna say sorry to both of you, but I guess this are the important one that I need to say. I am sorry I couldn’t complete your dreams for me. But I can reassure you that my result on the course I am taking now won’t ever let you down. Here I end this letter, and hoping it will never reach your hands.

Eating Alone

I remember the table used to be full of people. There is usually grandpa sitting in the middle of the table with his pipe smoke. Right beside him is grandma and her long batik dress. Scooping the soup for everyone in the table, and there uncle and aunty sit feeding their baby as we eat together. Than only is my family, but as the years passes by, soon the table no longer had grandpa in it. He passed away from lung affection, as the table now is getting smaller. Things happen between my father and uncle, and again the table that was once big became the small table for four people at home.
Brother than was living outside near is college, so the table and food portion was only made for three people.
And today I sat that table at home, knowing once occupy by four people, and now all that is left, is me sitting their munching on my meal. I guess I will be eating alone again tonight.

Can't trust anymore

Long time ago, everything has been surrounded by people. I talk in order to gain people’s attention, sometimes my family also blames me and scolds me for I was too honest and no secret can be kept by me. But as I grew up, I learn the ways to kept silent and listen, and soon there are many boxes in me, keeping everyone secret. I observe people seeing people characters and personalities. Every time meets someone, I knew what are their true personalities is and I can say I am almost right all the time. But the problem is this, the more I know how people will turn out to be, the more I felt lonely. I used to be friendly with people, no matter is the first time meeting or what, but now I am just a normal girl who keeps her distance away from people. Today as I sat at the staircase, looking into the wide space below, something strike me for the first time. I never had someone that I can trust fully. Many people will start telling me that they are here for me, but in their eyes the truth is shown. People only say it but never once do it. How I know it, because everyone I knew and trust once was like this.
I know when you read this; you will be telling me it isn’t true. But look at yourself for once; after you had her have you been calling me? No, not a single sms or message through Internet. I guess this is what I get in trusting you so much. I don’t know where I went wrong, or what I should do. All I know is that I feel this lonely, and I don’t think I can trust anyone in showing my true self again.

Full Moon

Nothing can compare
To the light you give
Nothing can compare
To the beauty you’ve shown
Looking at you
Take my breath away
Everything you shine
Everyone is amaze by you

Your silent shine the sky
With hope and light
The stars shine along
By your side
Everyone look up to you
Praying and wishing
To be with you
The beauty that no one can reach
And can only be glance upon
That beautiful Full Moon

Chasing

His wide back
Cover my sight
His long black hair
Wave gently as he walk
Looking at the sight of this beautiful back
Take my strength away

His eyes as gold as the sun
His voice charms every girl in sight
His smile swept everyone off their feet
How can anyone resist
This charm of his

He swept down to earth
Touching their heart
Change their sorrow
Into anger beyond the soul
An evil demon he is
Yet I chase after his shadow
Wishing to see that beautiful back
Portrait by the Angel of Sorrow

My Daddy's Touch

The cold darkness covers my eyes
Leading to the despair in life
But far at the end
A light shine
Calm and warm
Save and there is light
Those rough hands
Touches my face
Slowly stroking all the tears away
Softly he whispers
Calming words into my ears
“Don’t worry,” he said
“For the angels are here”
His eyes full of sorrow
And tired from work
His body grows weak
As everyday passed
And yet he smiled to the darkness
With glory of light
We hug each other
Calming our hearts down
Those touch that heal me
From the nightmare I have
That arms that calm my soul
That is
My Daddy’s Touch

Lost everything

The lies that you said
The truth that can never believe in
The sadness that you cause
Pour down like rain
Like a gravity
You pulled me back
I wish
You were no longer there

Lay down my heart
On a cold stone
Stab it down
Set me free
Let me roar
For eternity

Rain fall downs
On the surface of love
Cold win blows into those who are weak
Arrows strike
In the heart of love
That’s where I lost everything

The movement that I like
The voice I love to hear
The smile with the eyes
Charming and sincere
Like a gravity
You pulled me back
When I’ve decide
To give up than

Rain fall downs
On the surface of love
Cold win blows into those who are weak
Arrows strike
In the heart of love
That’s where I lost everything

Losing in faith
Losing in love
Losing all the battles I’ve prepare
Losing in faith
Believe in nothing
That where my heart lay
Cold and despair

Rain fall downs
On the surface of love
Cold win blows into those who are weak
Arrows strike
In the heart of love
That’s where I lost everything
(that’s where I lost everything..)

My Broken Friendship

When I was young, I thought my world involve with nothing else but friends. Everything that I’ve dream of hanging out and have fun, not caring about the consequences to whatever we do. Yet this feeling slowly fades away into nothingness when everyone changed. Friends start to date and couple, and those who don’t have anyone special in their life, stays lonely in their own world. But here I stood, looking into the world I know. Many friends told me before saying when they couple they would not forget us. As soon as they had a girlfriend or boyfriend, they turn us to be extras and leave us aside. Each an every one of them I ever trust to be different turns out to be the exactly same. Recently I lost all my faith in friends, for each an every one of them left me in this lonely world. They brag about their relationship, and go around bringing their love once to gathering and stuff. I sit there lonely at the corner, no one realize I was gone or there. No one come talking to me anymore. I thought it is a normal thing in life, you know new people and from time to time you leave the old one behind. But seeing the picture they post up their Facebook kills me, knowing that I wasn’t important anymore in their life. And was just a little no body at the corner of the room. Some people even gave me a comment saying the boys I ever love never work out and even a friend of my asking me to find a boyfriend fast. There I sat and think, what the hell are they talking about? Is that what you say to your friends? Two words I can give them right at their face “FUCK YOU!” if I don’t get a boyfriend than it is my problem and not yours.

Stop It

I guess everything has its way in saying, and not only that I could feel this way. But I think this is my limit in this matter. Every time I have people coming into my life, and when they need me I am always there, but when they don need me they leave me aside and go on with their life. So am I a soft bag that clam people tears and not a person who could share everything with?? Well, if I am like this to you than stop bothering me. I am not going to layan you all just for your sadness, I am having my own problem here also…

I Hate This Feeling

Everything went out good and nice for the past few days, but something came up and something was wrong today. As I sit there looking at the pictures and seeing the comments, I thought okay today will be a normal day. But as I got to the mamak celebrating criss birthday, okay not really celebrating, just with him yam cha, and as everyone was together, something was weird among them. Suddenly as someone told me stuff and things that happen yesterday night, I felt as if I wasn’t apart from it anymore, I felt as if I was a stranger. Looking at their faces and their topic, I finally felt as if I am losing everything that was once dear to me. I really hate this feeling…

The soft smoothing surface,
Shines under the light
Its cold surface touches the skin softly,
Shivers run through the skin
As it swift across gently
Its victim screams in fear
But their sounds are all unheard
Slicing down the soft texture
As the juice overflows the table
Covered by a red sweet smell
It shows no mercy
As its owner instructed to do
Another silent night
And cold and merciless night
Another victim lay unconscious in his bed
No longer breathing
No longer praying
Just a blank face with fear in their eyes,
No longer alive.

*Weird Exam*

14 weeks of classes finally coming to an end. All the classes we went through had brought us to one end point as the 14th week arrive in a blink of an eye. The morning comes with the wetness and freshness of the air. The alarm clock rang with its loudest volume on, but the lazy eye-lit can never be open. The cool air flowing around the room gently put me back into bed and deep sleep. But sadly, there is a second alarm call, dogs licking on my face!! Argh…another miserable morning with a stupid exam coming up.

Walking around the house with frown eyes, a glance at the clock letting out a loud moan. It is only 8 in the morning; exam is at 3.30 in the afternoon. What the hell am I up so early? Computer comes first with Facebook and relaxing songs to ease the frustration away. Along with CS and COD for a releasing stress away from the mind. Finally it is time to study.

The college atmosphere has never change through out the semester I had been there, but today something was different. It has a tense atmosphere, with the noisy surrounding tells every student is exam week for every department and faculty. As my eyes can never be fix on the paper in front of me.

Oh my…time flies really fast. Time for exam, there is just 20 minute left till exam starts. Walking into the room, where the table is arranging nicely for exam. Again the tense atmospheres mix with nervousness. Everyone was ready, for some took in paper ready to cheat and others had memorized the answer to the tips the lecturer gave few weeks back. Yet we sat down, ready our hearts to start the paper. “You can begin,” the stuff announce to the class. [Flip…] oh shit!! The tips our lecturer gave never come out except only one stupid question. Stupid…we all thought. We shouldn't’t have trust her tips at all! Damn, I thought but lucky I did studied a little and listen in classes.

The sweating hands, had been writing for almost 2 hours. Yet there is drawing and an exam, which is the weirdest thing I ever seen though. What a tense atmosphere and the thunder suit nicely at the background. So this is a exam, where things are not that good and also weird..

~LoVe~

“The best and most beautiful things in this world cannot be seen or even heard, but must be felt with the heart.” Helen Keller.

Going through my diaries in my past before I started blogging, there I came across this quote with colorful design surrounding it. Ah~~it brings back memories in the past. Love had been with all of us since the day we were born. In fact love can be categories into many sections in our life. Yet the basic love that everyone feels is the love between a boy and a girl.

Here I sat, continuing to read the diary in my hands, accompanied by a smoothing sound of relaxing songs. Memories of the past flashes back like picture frame. And between the pages, lay a letter. Curious I thought who did I wrote it to? The first letter I open was to dad. Tear drops was splatter around the paper. What was I crying for? As I continue to read again a heartache memory surface. Thinking back I was never a bright child, my result was never brilliant that could make my dad proud. Every time I score awful marks, I never dared to go home. Scared that mom would scold and hit. Crying as I wrote this letter, afraid to walk out from the room. But it seem that it never change even now. My dad had never once scolded me for bad results, all he say is I done my best. I wonder was dad love this much that even at time like this he still can be calm and nice to me, while mom way in showing love is being furious and always wanting to hit me. Nothing matters to me at that time, I just know I was never wrong yet their faces and eyes show sadness and shame.

Who cares, that was in the past. Continuing to read as I went through the love I had. There I came across a name where it brings me back to the past. A person I love but couldn’t have is all because I had a friend who love him too. How stupid was I giving up on that love just because a friend, yet only at that moment she took me as a good friend of hers, after that the more I hang out with her it seem more like I was her body guard than a friend. It brings back memories and pain, I think.

What is the main meaning of true love between and a guy and a girl? Thinking that single life is so much fun, it feels like I am missing something from time to time. Many people thought I have a boy friend loving me, but in truth I don’t. Wondering why was everyone saying that, someone told me that I look fulfilled as if I am not missing any love in life. So how will I look like when I am really in love?

Stab..Stab..Stab..

There was once I fall so hard, I hit the ground and broke my legs to stand up again. I couldn’t move as I lay at that pitch black place of nothingness. I gave up right from the start, I lost control in body and mind and finally the darkness started its job in my life. Everyday was a poker face, every time it was a poker smile. Deep down I cried, thinking when will someone se through this smile of mine. I cover myself with laughter and do the things I least expected to do. Time goes on, I scream inside for someone to see the true me, but everyone was a stranger, no one knew the real me not even myself knew. Everything collected deep in my heart, each tear I denied turns into blood and it drips down into my heart. I lay there for a long time; my eyes no longer could open as the last strength in life is slowly fading. At that moment, a small light flickers. A signal! That’s what I thought. I reach my hands towards it but nothing helps me up. I crawl my way towards it but it seems that I could never reach it. The light slowly fades away, as in reality I was wrong in believing. The sudden pain stab into my chest even deeper than usual, the walls and barriers was soft and weak. This time I feel even deeper, loosing sight in everything I ever wanted to have. I’ve reach my hand out to so many people in their life, helping them but none came to help me when I needed them. Again the third knife stab straight to my heart not allowing me to breath of cry. Three knives stuck in my chest unable to pull. This where I started to distrust people, for my whole life I’ve been used and never appreciated by any. To put out this hand for others, I got stab three times. I admit I have many friends but none of them are true and close to me, not even my best friends know the real me…

The right choice

Long ago there wasn't much to offer in this world...but as I sat here in the train taking me to a far away place I wonder wat I did was wrong or right? As the train keep on moving and each stop it stop I held my breath...will this be the stop I go off and will never regret?

The never ending road..

This few weeks I've been madly in love. It's been a long time since I last fall in love with someone. I was praying and hoping that he will be the one to make me happy this time. But as dreams can never come true, and this time i fall again real hard. I was putting my hopes high, so high that I know i would fall anytime, and I know once i fall i wouldn't get back right up. Despite knowing all this I put my hopes high. I was in the bliss of fantasy in my own world, that i forgotten how cruel reality it could be. Not until recently i found out that I really cannot be the one for him, and I knew it a long time ago. Basically, I face reality like it was nothing at all. But for the me inside cried so hard that I knew I could never be happy again. Looking at the friends I have, one by one their loves one stood at their door waiting for them, but for me is like I got to wait for eternity for it. I hide my tears and emotion again behind the mask, hiding the pain and feeling cramping into a ball. Sometimes i wonder where in my life I ever did something wrong to deserve this?? Do i really not deserve love at all?? Yes I admit that i did tell lies and I know I did a few wrong things in the past, but is this punishment really what i deserve? I wasn't only dump by my friends cause they found someone tell love, even now you couldn't give me a single person i would like to trust myself to? Church is a place I feel welcome and part of it, but there ain't anything i could give. Every week I as I hear people's testimonial, do you know how sick heart I am seeing them successful in life while I am stuck with a group and college people who doesn't want to do stuff? I gave my life up so many times,taking away all the sorrow and pain, yet this is what i deserve. Well...maybe this is really what I deserve than. Taking in every single pain I could bare till the day I will burst into nothingness, except the shell remains. I have always been envying people's life, i tried to make that step of faith and step into that zone but it seem that I could never be the one. Parents are not proud of me for I fail in my piano they put so much hope on. I lost trust in friends, for the experiences of being used. I shade so many tears, but none had seen my real tears fall from real pain. What else is there for me to head God? Have I done things i never could be forgiven for?? This never ending road will last forever, till the day i can't stand it and die.

everything is life is just another chapter. today was a bad to us all. i hated myself for not being selfish, i gave another group the work tat i've done, and took another thing for my group. and end up that i gave them a big burden. i found myself sooo stupid, i should have been selfish and i thought i can never be anything more like this. i hide myself in one corner to cried, as i talk to my best friend bout how sad i was. my dad who is not talking to be, but always using sarcastic words. i wonder where in my life i went wrong? why is He doing this to me? why didnt he tell me to be selfish and not do this stuff... i cause so many problems to my members and now all i can do is say sorry and try my best to find schools. i hate myself for not being selfish, i thought if i ever do good things i could be off better. but in stead here i am looking at foolish self thinking i shouldn't have done that...

please, i pray to You mighty God. i pray that you would help me. i gave so much to You, i opened my heart to You. please help me this once, i want to know what is right and where i went wrong to have this punishment. please help me with his Father Lord. Amen..

just yesterday, i thought that in this world i no longer have anything to hold on. i slept with the thought of being just alone in the darkness of hell. yet the idea of commit suicide appear in my mind in the edge of darkness... i thought "If i couldn't face this world becuz i let my parents down, why am i leaving in this world? why am i a mistake, a sore loser to my parents, why am i staying alive in this world. may as while i be dead and let them have a proud life praising my brother." with that thought stuck in my mind, i went against my parents words and attend church with the thought saying this will be the last time i m here, i will enjoy it with all my might and ask for forgiveness as i was going to end my life. i went breakfast with a long face only able to smile a little and not that much. yet i step into the house of God, i felt that i couldn't look up to him at all... i felt embarrassed, i felt so small. with everyone life going on as they predicted and expected, i sat there thinking what the hell am i doing here. yet Ps. Andrew change my life when he ask for the holy spirit to attend the wounded and the lost. in the few years, when ever i attend this type of things in church i will either pray or just thinking this is just a fake. but 2day as he talked in front praying for the Holy Spirit yo rise and help us, i cried. I cried for the 1st time in my life where there is so many people around me. i kept on crying and crying, i just couldn't stop. although He never talk to me but i felt Him telling me that tis wounds i have cant be taken away. He cant perform a miracle in this wounds, for this wounds make me stronger and wiser each day in my life. it gave me hope, telling me He will always stay by my side, even at the moment i forgotten him. i kept on crying as i knew that everything I've kept all along hte years has finally burst out into this tears. His soft hands touches my head, as he lay in his the other hand into my heart. He took away all the thoughts of dying and pain. and here i m, i found a new hope to hold on. no matter how hard my parents are treating me, no matter how bad their words can be. there is something that i am holding on too, something that will help me whenever i cry. that is His hands, His touch that i can never forget.

please...

imagine a life where everything goes wrong. every word you say is wrong, and everything you do are always worst than people's. in the past i thought i lost every single hope in living in the world i wanna be in. there was a time i wanted to be a singer, but those dreams are crush as my parents never let me. i even thought to be in a band, but also it was crushed. my mind was set in a world of music where orchestra or being a teacher. i thought that was my only line, i couldn't find any other suitable things again. my school results was bad, for i couldn't understand a single shit about it. SPM results was sux to the max that even i give up hope in studying. but soon i was expose into the world of mass communication, and i thought that i could no longer stand the sight of music. yet i fall in love with PR and Broadcasting. n now, as i fail my exam, everything went wrong. and now...i m stuck in this fucking life i am in...please God i know you love all of us, but please stop putting the devil on me...my dad gt too much humiliation already...just for once make him proud and tell people that i m good at least in something....

a sad case indeed...

few days ago i found out that my piano exam that i have working hard on failed... dad tore open the letter b4 i got back home. as i happily came home and finish my bath, i found that my dad talking to my mom in kitchen. saying that he support me and i disappoint him. finding hard to believe, soon i realize my results was out and i lost every inch of happiness in me. i stood there looking at my food and realize the hungriness in me just vanish. i went into my room as quick as possible, b4 my tears started to flow. i cried so much that it lasted for an hour plus. it finally stop as the headache came rushing in, but again it flows without any control as my dad and mom didn't leave me alone and kept on talking to me. i sat there looking away from them, thinking i wasn't sad because my exam fail for i knew i couldn't pass it. but in fact i was sad when i overheard what my dad said to my mom. imagine those words you never want to hear and was overheard by accident. i kept on crying as that night i couldn't sleep and was awake the whole day. even when i was outside, i kept on crying. morning came as i look at myself in the mirror and looking into this bengkak face of tears. lucky my make up hides everything away. as the day went by, i was no mood in studying. i was around like a zombie. i cried a little in the student council room. many friends saw the sadness in me as they are worries for i was never this sad before and thanks to them i gt my smile back for the afternoon. but as i step into the car, all smile and happiness again disappear into thin air. now i am wishing that i could smile like use to be, but every word at home that they say to be hurts me more deeper than usual. i thought they could be understanding for i am their daughter, but it seem that i was wrong. every word that comes out from their mouth are hurting and sarcastic...i just wish all this will end soon. i m deeply hurt, it hurt so much. so much more painful than anything else i ever feel in my life... i came back from cell group church outing, with fun and laughter, thinking i could bring a smile home again, but the second i step into the house, everything again disappear... haix...i don't know what to do at all...

another day

Another day had gone by, and I am stressing out for my assignment i may fail.... teacher complaint about we didn't have a group team work but as the members he had choose for me are not that contributive. within a week we need to get the confirmation from a school and the problem is not many of us could actually have the time to go out like that... thinking that communication is the best way in stuff, but it is always hard to communicate between people that i don't really know. now i sit here, ready to discuss with them tomorrow, i think i got to be firm from now on....really pistting me off....but i guess i got no choice....assignment is important. wish me luck...i really need a time out but things will get even worst as the day goes by....hoping that my team will cooperate with me^^