I Hate This Feeling

Everything went out good and nice for the past few days, but something came up and something was wrong today. As I sit there looking at the pictures and seeing the comments, I thought okay today will be a normal day. But as I got to the mamak celebrating criss birthday, okay not really celebrating, just with him yam cha, and as everyone was together, something was weird among them. Suddenly as someone told me stuff and things that happen yesterday night, I felt as if I wasn’t apart from it anymore, I felt as if I was a stranger. Looking at their faces and their topic, I finally felt as if I am losing everything that was once dear to me. I really hate this feeling…

The soft smoothing surface,
Shines under the light
Its cold surface touches the skin softly,
Shivers run through the skin
As it swift across gently
Its victim screams in fear
But their sounds are all unheard
Slicing down the soft texture
As the juice overflows the table
Covered by a red sweet smell
It shows no mercy
As its owner instructed to do
Another silent night
And cold and merciless night
Another victim lay unconscious in his bed
No longer breathing
No longer praying
Just a blank face with fear in their eyes,
No longer alive.

*Weird Exam*

14 weeks of classes finally coming to an end. All the classes we went through had brought us to one end point as the 14th week arrive in a blink of an eye. The morning comes with the wetness and freshness of the air. The alarm clock rang with its loudest volume on, but the lazy eye-lit can never be open. The cool air flowing around the room gently put me back into bed and deep sleep. But sadly, there is a second alarm call, dogs licking on my face!! Argh…another miserable morning with a stupid exam coming up.

Walking around the house with frown eyes, a glance at the clock letting out a loud moan. It is only 8 in the morning; exam is at 3.30 in the afternoon. What the hell am I up so early? Computer comes first with Facebook and relaxing songs to ease the frustration away. Along with CS and COD for a releasing stress away from the mind. Finally it is time to study.

The college atmosphere has never change through out the semester I had been there, but today something was different. It has a tense atmosphere, with the noisy surrounding tells every student is exam week for every department and faculty. As my eyes can never be fix on the paper in front of me.

Oh my…time flies really fast. Time for exam, there is just 20 minute left till exam starts. Walking into the room, where the table is arranging nicely for exam. Again the tense atmospheres mix with nervousness. Everyone was ready, for some took in paper ready to cheat and others had memorized the answer to the tips the lecturer gave few weeks back. Yet we sat down, ready our hearts to start the paper. “You can begin,” the stuff announce to the class. [Flip…] oh shit!! The tips our lecturer gave never come out except only one stupid question. Stupid…we all thought. We shouldn't’t have trust her tips at all! Damn, I thought but lucky I did studied a little and listen in classes.

The sweating hands, had been writing for almost 2 hours. Yet there is drawing and an exam, which is the weirdest thing I ever seen though. What a tense atmosphere and the thunder suit nicely at the background. So this is a exam, where things are not that good and also weird..

~LoVe~

“The best and most beautiful things in this world cannot be seen or even heard, but must be felt with the heart.” Helen Keller.

Going through my diaries in my past before I started blogging, there I came across this quote with colorful design surrounding it. Ah~~it brings back memories in the past. Love had been with all of us since the day we were born. In fact love can be categories into many sections in our life. Yet the basic love that everyone feels is the love between a boy and a girl.

Here I sat, continuing to read the diary in my hands, accompanied by a smoothing sound of relaxing songs. Memories of the past flashes back like picture frame. And between the pages, lay a letter. Curious I thought who did I wrote it to? The first letter I open was to dad. Tear drops was splatter around the paper. What was I crying for? As I continue to read again a heartache memory surface. Thinking back I was never a bright child, my result was never brilliant that could make my dad proud. Every time I score awful marks, I never dared to go home. Scared that mom would scold and hit. Crying as I wrote this letter, afraid to walk out from the room. But it seem that it never change even now. My dad had never once scolded me for bad results, all he say is I done my best. I wonder was dad love this much that even at time like this he still can be calm and nice to me, while mom way in showing love is being furious and always wanting to hit me. Nothing matters to me at that time, I just know I was never wrong yet their faces and eyes show sadness and shame.

Who cares, that was in the past. Continuing to read as I went through the love I had. There I came across a name where it brings me back to the past. A person I love but couldn’t have is all because I had a friend who love him too. How stupid was I giving up on that love just because a friend, yet only at that moment she took me as a good friend of hers, after that the more I hang out with her it seem more like I was her body guard than a friend. It brings back memories and pain, I think.

What is the main meaning of true love between and a guy and a girl? Thinking that single life is so much fun, it feels like I am missing something from time to time. Many people thought I have a boy friend loving me, but in truth I don’t. Wondering why was everyone saying that, someone told me that I look fulfilled as if I am not missing any love in life. So how will I look like when I am really in love?

Stab..Stab..Stab..

There was once I fall so hard, I hit the ground and broke my legs to stand up again. I couldn’t move as I lay at that pitch black place of nothingness. I gave up right from the start, I lost control in body and mind and finally the darkness started its job in my life. Everyday was a poker face, every time it was a poker smile. Deep down I cried, thinking when will someone se through this smile of mine. I cover myself with laughter and do the things I least expected to do. Time goes on, I scream inside for someone to see the true me, but everyone was a stranger, no one knew the real me not even myself knew. Everything collected deep in my heart, each tear I denied turns into blood and it drips down into my heart. I lay there for a long time; my eyes no longer could open as the last strength in life is slowly fading. At that moment, a small light flickers. A signal! That’s what I thought. I reach my hands towards it but nothing helps me up. I crawl my way towards it but it seems that I could never reach it. The light slowly fades away, as in reality I was wrong in believing. The sudden pain stab into my chest even deeper than usual, the walls and barriers was soft and weak. This time I feel even deeper, loosing sight in everything I ever wanted to have. I’ve reach my hand out to so many people in their life, helping them but none came to help me when I needed them. Again the third knife stab straight to my heart not allowing me to breath of cry. Three knives stuck in my chest unable to pull. This where I started to distrust people, for my whole life I’ve been used and never appreciated by any. To put out this hand for others, I got stab three times. I admit I have many friends but none of them are true and close to me, not even my best friends know the real me…