Missing Him @.@

Long time ago, I cut away my feelings for everyone. I left my feelings to fall in love behind. I know falling in love will cause me to lose focus on the things I need to concentrate on. In order to do that, I cut my ties with friends. Leaving nothing but emptiness in me, but recently I started to miss someone so much. I know I meet him every day, talking to him. Once the moment has past, and I am sitting alone on the bench outside of my house, I started to miss him badly. I thought he is just another friend I am close with. Someone who can understand the real me and accept it. But as time passes by, these feelings I once lock away, far far away into the darkness of my heart is surfacing like no one business. My goal and ego has cover my vision of love, the broken hearted scars and there reminding me the fear of being broken again. I am scared to honestly say, but I am not sure if I should give it a chance. For all I know now I am starting to miss him. Really missing him.

My Moment

Have you face the time when your mind is just blank? Where you want to think for ideas and work, but nothing comes out. Well, in basic life everyone does have this problem, and most of us find our own “Eureka” moments. For me there are ways to clear my mind from all negative thoughts and frustration. But sadly, the way I used to relax my mind, will always get one big hell of a scolding from parents. What else can I say? I just love standing under the rain. I still remember when I was in high school, few of us will run out into the rain and walk into class soaking wet. I just missed does times. But the sound of rain cools my head off, muffling all the sound surrounding me. TADA! I got my Eureka moment! Ideas start popping out of nowhere giving crazy and insane ideas. Well, it doesn’t rain everyday though. So the second way to get ideas is to just stand under the shower for a long period of time. I know I know, it is wasting water. Water bill will increase madly, and dad starts to scold and nag and stuff. But who cares! I just want my moment. I guess water just calms me down when I am mad. Music too but water still is the best. So what is your moment? Because I do know one of my friends moment is when he is in the toilet. HAHA..

Why...

If there is a chance
I would like to have you close to me
If there is a chance
I would want to stand as tall as you
Walk the same road you choose

But those chances are block
With the ego I have
The steps I want to take
Block the way between us
Making both of us chasing a dream

Why was I like this before?
With the feelings being cut off
Why did I set my goal as that?
Making my distance further away from you

How much I reach out my hands to you
Nearly I touch your back
But I never did
So close in having that touch

But that chance is gone
Leaving a mark of scar on me
Taking all the strength to hold myself down
Stopping myself from reaching out to you

Kisses

I always wonder what a kiss would feel like. Many people told me that it gives those Goosebumps and leaving a nice impression of sweetness on their lips. Even long after the kiss, they won’t forget the sweet taste of it. But sometimes kisses can be different; some people experience far well kisses. Those kisses leave a scare of sadness behind. Knowing that they can’t be with the one they love, forcing oneself to say goodbye to the other, but the main history still lay in myself, what would I feel being kissed? Maybe I did have the answer, but I am still confuse about it.

Love Drug

I thought that everything was normal and things go normally as they should. But recently, the chances of falling have become a fear to me. As time passes by, it seems that I am slowly falling in love again. I guess I will always have this drug of love flowing me everywhere. What a life..ahahaha…

Fear

Imagine the world you once knew is crumbling down into pieces. The sight of everything crashing down on you, the walls you build in order to save yourself from dissolving into darkness crumble right in front of your eyes. Once she was being betrayed, her world became different. She started to avoid eye contacts, she hates when people assume they knew her. And everything she once loved, disappeared. Long ago, in her past she remembered that scene. It haunts her till this very day, the fear of being alone again. In the past, she thought her friends were true. Laughing and sharing problems, well that’s what basically everyone does. But all because a stupid jealousy, it causes her to realize that the world she lived in is just a fantasy. All because she talks to a guy, her friend ruined her life. The whole class went against her; she tried so hard to make it right, soon the teachers also started to accuse her. What happen? She thought so many times. I never did anything wrong, why am I being punish like that? After that she confined herself into a world of darkness, creating another alter ego to pay the price of being alone. That other rise up, seeking revenge and blood, each day she grew stronger and named herself Raven. Raven cold dark eyes freezes people, her cold black heart hatred make people walked away from her. Soon she was lonely, with no one to depend on. Years went by, alone in the world of hatred. She never bowed her head to anyone, she never cries for or in front of anyone. She held her head high; making sure no one will step on her again. As Raven freely walks, she hides herself building her world of fantasy. The walls as high as she can imagine, as thick as she wants, she create her defense in order to protect herself. But than once again, she is now feeling this fear. Feeling that her world will crumble down, Raven shouted to her to change. But her fear covers her ears and everything was ignored. How much she wishes for someone to understand this loneliness of hers, she wish that just one person would not leaved her behind like all those people did. In reality, everyone is selfish; they concern more about themselves than others. This fear will become reality, and she is now more afraid than ever, because she is scared of being alone in the world.

I know

I know that you are sad
I know that you are in pain
Those eyes you shown can’t lie
Yet you choose to walk alone
I know that you are strong
You take problems like nothing at all
But deep down inside
You are the same
Please let me hold your hand
Let me heal that heart of yours
I know you see me as a friend
But I promise I will never leave
And be by your side till the end.
Listening to them is never worth it
They talk and talk rubbish
They never know how one feel
Cause they are always selfish
I know you are strong
You take problems like nothing at all
But deep down inside
You are the same after all
Please let me hold your hand
Let me heal that heart of yours
My hands are reaching out
But I can’t seem to reach you
Seeing that wide back walk
I guess I am still seeing
The illusion part of you

What am I suppose to do?

What is a mistake to people? Is it just an accidental thing happen and you bow your head saying sorry than everything will be alright? I don’t know what is really happening to me, but I felt like everything I once know and love is going to go. My personality in loving and caring is fading soon. And here I am thinking when I made a mistake as I walk down the path of my life. Chances are that my studies sucks but I lied to be good, so dad won’t be mad? But every result I have in college changed! I GOT DEAN LIST! But who cares, everyone looks at the mistake someone did more than the good ones. So where is my mistake in this? Why do I have to mend their mistake so no one here will look stupid? Why do I have to feel this stressful feeling with a thousand swords of pressure pouring into me? I no longer know where my mistake lies or which it isn’t even my mistake. So tell me what am I suppose to do? Because so far I know I am reaching my limit in life, I don’t want to turn back into her.