I'll hide it away just for you

Seeing you walking pass me, I breathe the air for your scent. Seeing you talking to your friends, I smile seeing that handsome face of yours. I sit there at the corner watching you move and smiles. If it is just this simple I will be satisfy, but it isn’t that simple. Being a friend of yours, hiding the admiration I had for you, and hiding these feelings every moment I am with you. You are so close to me, yet I can’t touch you or your heart. Feeling that I can grasp you within seconds but there is these invisible walls blocking my way. No matter how much I try, I can never seem to reach for your heart. I will always remain in the shadow of love, being your friend with all my might. And be there for you as a friend you can trust.

FML

What is the problem for just asking for more freedom? Every time I see people hanging out and have fun, and I over there need to destroy the fun and go home. Sometimes it is sad just doing that. I want to soar freely around like the eagle. Spreading its wide wings with no fear of what so ever, staying home is like so boring, there aren’t much thing can be done. Online, see movie and what else? I am on a semester break here HELLO!! I am supposed to be going around party and hanging out. For god sake! Where is my life?

Is it wrong just to ask for more freedom? Is it wrong that I just want to hang out more?? You said today you will be going out somewhere fun, and look I am stuck here sitting on my laptop writing this stupid blog! Very nice and later I am going for food shopping..wow~~ that sound fun. =.= fuck it! I never like staying at home with you all. Is always argument, grumbling about life. I wish now so much I am living outside and not this fucking damn boring house.

Letter

Here I want to sincerely apologies for the action I’ve made. I know there is much stuff that I can’t be forgiven for, but I know I will sure gain your forgiveness one day. Mother, you have been with me ever since I was young. You cared for me like no any mother would. I’m sorry I couldn't’t be the smart girl you wanna me to be. The girl that love science and become a doctor or someone that earns lots of money in the future. Sometimes I wonder why was every family you’ve known having the daughters or sons of your dream. Smart and intelligent in many ways and matter. Yet I sit here failing my exams and making you mad all the time. Daddy, I know that you’ve been upset many times in my result. When my cousin scored high marks and was told to you by grandma, you always come home with that look of sadness and shame. But the love you had for me, you've show me that bitter smile hoping to hide everything away. Well daddy, for your information I can sometimes see it. Years of working had put you in pain. You taught me from what is right and wrong, and you also teach me to not be mad at people and learn to forgive. Well, you teach me the right thing to do and now I am living in a world where there is no one that I could stay mad on. Not blaming you on this, but it seem the concept had make us both been used by people. And daddy, I am sorry I can’t be the pianist of your dream. I took piano as an excuse of not studying, but the moment I took my step into college everything change and soon I found my real calling to my life. You were upset that evening when you saw the letter of my failing my exam, I over heard you talking to mom about it. Saying that you will give up on me, I know that night you were talking harsh words and not wanting me to hear. But daddy, if you wanna do that next time, please check if my window is close first. After you said those words I gave up everything in life, I began to cut myself in order to feel pain and knowing I am still human, but daddy those words really hurts. Many things I wanna say sorry to both of you, but I guess this are the important one that I need to say. I am sorry I couldn’t complete your dreams for me. But I can reassure you that my result on the course I am taking now won’t ever let you down. Here I end this letter, and hoping it will never reach your hands.

Eating Alone

I remember the table used to be full of people. There is usually grandpa sitting in the middle of the table with his pipe smoke. Right beside him is grandma and her long batik dress. Scooping the soup for everyone in the table, and there uncle and aunty sit feeding their baby as we eat together. Than only is my family, but as the years passes by, soon the table no longer had grandpa in it. He passed away from lung affection, as the table now is getting smaller. Things happen between my father and uncle, and again the table that was once big became the small table for four people at home.
Brother than was living outside near is college, so the table and food portion was only made for three people.
And today I sat that table at home, knowing once occupy by four people, and now all that is left, is me sitting their munching on my meal. I guess I will be eating alone again tonight.

Can't trust anymore

Long time ago, everything has been surrounded by people. I talk in order to gain people’s attention, sometimes my family also blames me and scolds me for I was too honest and no secret can be kept by me. But as I grew up, I learn the ways to kept silent and listen, and soon there are many boxes in me, keeping everyone secret. I observe people seeing people characters and personalities. Every time meets someone, I knew what are their true personalities is and I can say I am almost right all the time. But the problem is this, the more I know how people will turn out to be, the more I felt lonely. I used to be friendly with people, no matter is the first time meeting or what, but now I am just a normal girl who keeps her distance away from people. Today as I sat at the staircase, looking into the wide space below, something strike me for the first time. I never had someone that I can trust fully. Many people will start telling me that they are here for me, but in their eyes the truth is shown. People only say it but never once do it. How I know it, because everyone I knew and trust once was like this.
I know when you read this; you will be telling me it isn’t true. But look at yourself for once; after you had her have you been calling me? No, not a single sms or message through Internet. I guess this is what I get in trusting you so much. I don’t know where I went wrong, or what I should do. All I know is that I feel this lonely, and I don’t think I can trust anyone in showing my true self again.