Stab..Stab..Stab..

There was once I fall so hard, I hit the ground and broke my legs to stand up again. I couldn’t move as I lay at that pitch black place of nothingness. I gave up right from the start, I lost control in body and mind and finally the darkness started its job in my life. Everyday was a poker face, every time it was a poker smile. Deep down I cried, thinking when will someone se through this smile of mine. I cover myself with laughter and do the things I least expected to do. Time goes on, I scream inside for someone to see the true me, but everyone was a stranger, no one knew the real me not even myself knew. Everything collected deep in my heart, each tear I denied turns into blood and it drips down into my heart. I lay there for a long time; my eyes no longer could open as the last strength in life is slowly fading. At that moment, a small light flickers. A signal! That’s what I thought. I reach my hands towards it but nothing helps me up. I crawl my way towards it but it seems that I could never reach it. The light slowly fades away, as in reality I was wrong in believing. The sudden pain stab into my chest even deeper than usual, the walls and barriers was soft and weak. This time I feel even deeper, loosing sight in everything I ever wanted to have. I’ve reach my hand out to so many people in their life, helping them but none came to help me when I needed them. Again the third knife stab straight to my heart not allowing me to breath of cry. Three knives stuck in my chest unable to pull. This where I started to distrust people, for my whole life I’ve been used and never appreciated by any. To put out this hand for others, I got stab three times. I admit I have many friends but none of them are true and close to me, not even my best friends know the real me…

The right choice

Long ago there wasn't much to offer in this world...but as I sat here in the train taking me to a far away place I wonder wat I did was wrong or right? As the train keep on moving and each stop it stop I held my breath...will this be the stop I go off and will never regret?

The never ending road..

This few weeks I've been madly in love. It's been a long time since I last fall in love with someone. I was praying and hoping that he will be the one to make me happy this time. But as dreams can never come true, and this time i fall again real hard. I was putting my hopes high, so high that I know i would fall anytime, and I know once i fall i wouldn't get back right up. Despite knowing all this I put my hopes high. I was in the bliss of fantasy in my own world, that i forgotten how cruel reality it could be. Not until recently i found out that I really cannot be the one for him, and I knew it a long time ago. Basically, I face reality like it was nothing at all. But for the me inside cried so hard that I knew I could never be happy again. Looking at the friends I have, one by one their loves one stood at their door waiting for them, but for me is like I got to wait for eternity for it. I hide my tears and emotion again behind the mask, hiding the pain and feeling cramping into a ball. Sometimes i wonder where in my life I ever did something wrong to deserve this?? Do i really not deserve love at all?? Yes I admit that i did tell lies and I know I did a few wrong things in the past, but is this punishment really what i deserve? I wasn't only dump by my friends cause they found someone tell love, even now you couldn't give me a single person i would like to trust myself to? Church is a place I feel welcome and part of it, but there ain't anything i could give. Every week I as I hear people's testimonial, do you know how sick heart I am seeing them successful in life while I am stuck with a group and college people who doesn't want to do stuff? I gave my life up so many times,taking away all the sorrow and pain, yet this is what i deserve. Well...maybe this is really what I deserve than. Taking in every single pain I could bare till the day I will burst into nothingness, except the shell remains. I have always been envying people's life, i tried to make that step of faith and step into that zone but it seem that I could never be the one. Parents are not proud of me for I fail in my piano they put so much hope on. I lost trust in friends, for the experiences of being used. I shade so many tears, but none had seen my real tears fall from real pain. What else is there for me to head God? Have I done things i never could be forgiven for?? This never ending road will last forever, till the day i can't stand it and die.

everything is life is just another chapter. today was a bad to us all. i hated myself for not being selfish, i gave another group the work tat i've done, and took another thing for my group. and end up that i gave them a big burden. i found myself sooo stupid, i should have been selfish and i thought i can never be anything more like this. i hide myself in one corner to cried, as i talk to my best friend bout how sad i was. my dad who is not talking to be, but always using sarcastic words. i wonder where in my life i went wrong? why is He doing this to me? why didnt he tell me to be selfish and not do this stuff... i cause so many problems to my members and now all i can do is say sorry and try my best to find schools. i hate myself for not being selfish, i thought if i ever do good things i could be off better. but in stead here i am looking at foolish self thinking i shouldn't have done that...

please, i pray to You mighty God. i pray that you would help me. i gave so much to You, i opened my heart to You. please help me this once, i want to know what is right and where i went wrong to have this punishment. please help me with his Father Lord. Amen..

just yesterday, i thought that in this world i no longer have anything to hold on. i slept with the thought of being just alone in the darkness of hell. yet the idea of commit suicide appear in my mind in the edge of darkness... i thought "If i couldn't face this world becuz i let my parents down, why am i leaving in this world? why am i a mistake, a sore loser to my parents, why am i staying alive in this world. may as while i be dead and let them have a proud life praising my brother." with that thought stuck in my mind, i went against my parents words and attend church with the thought saying this will be the last time i m here, i will enjoy it with all my might and ask for forgiveness as i was going to end my life. i went breakfast with a long face only able to smile a little and not that much. yet i step into the house of God, i felt that i couldn't look up to him at all... i felt embarrassed, i felt so small. with everyone life going on as they predicted and expected, i sat there thinking what the hell am i doing here. yet Ps. Andrew change my life when he ask for the holy spirit to attend the wounded and the lost. in the few years, when ever i attend this type of things in church i will either pray or just thinking this is just a fake. but 2day as he talked in front praying for the Holy Spirit yo rise and help us, i cried. I cried for the 1st time in my life where there is so many people around me. i kept on crying and crying, i just couldn't stop. although He never talk to me but i felt Him telling me that tis wounds i have cant be taken away. He cant perform a miracle in this wounds, for this wounds make me stronger and wiser each day in my life. it gave me hope, telling me He will always stay by my side, even at the moment i forgotten him. i kept on crying as i knew that everything I've kept all along hte years has finally burst out into this tears. His soft hands touches my head, as he lay in his the other hand into my heart. He took away all the thoughts of dying and pain. and here i m, i found a new hope to hold on. no matter how hard my parents are treating me, no matter how bad their words can be. there is something that i am holding on too, something that will help me whenever i cry. that is His hands, His touch that i can never forget.

please...

imagine a life where everything goes wrong. every word you say is wrong, and everything you do are always worst than people's. in the past i thought i lost every single hope in living in the world i wanna be in. there was a time i wanted to be a singer, but those dreams are crush as my parents never let me. i even thought to be in a band, but also it was crushed. my mind was set in a world of music where orchestra or being a teacher. i thought that was my only line, i couldn't find any other suitable things again. my school results was bad, for i couldn't understand a single shit about it. SPM results was sux to the max that even i give up hope in studying. but soon i was expose into the world of mass communication, and i thought that i could no longer stand the sight of music. yet i fall in love with PR and Broadcasting. n now, as i fail my exam, everything went wrong. and now...i m stuck in this fucking life i am in...please God i know you love all of us, but please stop putting the devil on me...my dad gt too much humiliation already...just for once make him proud and tell people that i m good at least in something....

a sad case indeed...

few days ago i found out that my piano exam that i have working hard on failed... dad tore open the letter b4 i got back home. as i happily came home and finish my bath, i found that my dad talking to my mom in kitchen. saying that he support me and i disappoint him. finding hard to believe, soon i realize my results was out and i lost every inch of happiness in me. i stood there looking at my food and realize the hungriness in me just vanish. i went into my room as quick as possible, b4 my tears started to flow. i cried so much that it lasted for an hour plus. it finally stop as the headache came rushing in, but again it flows without any control as my dad and mom didn't leave me alone and kept on talking to me. i sat there looking away from them, thinking i wasn't sad because my exam fail for i knew i couldn't pass it. but in fact i was sad when i overheard what my dad said to my mom. imagine those words you never want to hear and was overheard by accident. i kept on crying as that night i couldn't sleep and was awake the whole day. even when i was outside, i kept on crying. morning came as i look at myself in the mirror and looking into this bengkak face of tears. lucky my make up hides everything away. as the day went by, i was no mood in studying. i was around like a zombie. i cried a little in the student council room. many friends saw the sadness in me as they are worries for i was never this sad before and thanks to them i gt my smile back for the afternoon. but as i step into the car, all smile and happiness again disappear into thin air. now i am wishing that i could smile like use to be, but every word at home that they say to be hurts me more deeper than usual. i thought they could be understanding for i am their daughter, but it seem that i was wrong. every word that comes out from their mouth are hurting and sarcastic...i just wish all this will end soon. i m deeply hurt, it hurt so much. so much more painful than anything else i ever feel in my life... i came back from cell group church outing, with fun and laughter, thinking i could bring a smile home again, but the second i step into the house, everything again disappear... haix...i don't know what to do at all...